SEPTEMBER - 2010
THE HAPPY SLOW THINKER
By Edgar Guest
Full many a time a thought has come
That had a bitter meaning in it.
And in the conversation’s hum
I lost it ere I could begin it.
I’ve had it on my tongue to spring
Some poisoned quip that I had thought clever;
Then something happened and the sting
Unuttered went, and died forever.
A lot of bitter thoughts I’ve had
To silence fellows and to flay’em,
But next day always I’ve been glad
I wasn’t quick enough to say’em.
HUMOR
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we will have thousands of old ladies walking around with tattoos?
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
Did you hear about the cigarette company that went up in smoke?
Energy Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
Albert Einstein’s mother – “But Albert it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mouse, something?”
With the rising cost of a gasoline, gas pumps should be called gasp pumps.
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that is falling off a table you always manage to knock something else over?
Law of Commercial Marketing: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Law of Logical Argument: Any idea can be defended if you don’t know what you are talking about.
FINAL WORDS:
He’s probably just hibernating.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
It’s strong enough to hold both of us.
I’ve done this before.
This doesn’t taste right.
GOOD ATTITUDE
“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Always direct your thoughts to those truths that will give you confidence, hope, joy, love, and thanksgiving, and turn your mind from those that inspire you with fear, sadness, and depression.” - Bertrand Wilberforce
“If we want a joyous life, we must think joyous thoughts. If we want a prosperous life, we must think prosperous thoughts. If we want a loving life, we must think loving thoughts. Whatever we send out mentally or verbally will come back to us in like form.” - Louise Hay
“Conscience is a divine voice in the human soul.” - Francis Bowen
“There ain’t much fun in medicine, but there’s a heck of a lot of medicine in fun.” - Josh Billings
MEDICAL QUOTES
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” - Erma Bombeck
“Doctors don’t understand everything really. They understand matter, not spirit. And you and I live in spirit." - William Saroyan
“God heals and the doctor takes the fee.” - Benjamin Franklin
“The patient’s hopes are the physician’s best ally.” - Norman Cousins
“If you think you are ill, call in a doctor. Call in three doctors and play bridge.” - Robert Benchley
MOTHER TERESA QUOTES
I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you know your next door neighbor?
Let us touch the dying, the poor, the lonely and the unwanted according to the graces we have received and let us not be ashamed or slow to do the humble work.
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
Everybody today seems to be in such a terrible rush, anxious for greater development and greater riches and so on, so that children have very little time for their parents. Parents have very little time for each other, and in the home begins the disruption of peace of the world.
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Let us not be satisfied with just giving money. Money is not enough, money can be got, but they need your hearts to love them. So, spread your love everywhere you go.
It is easy to love people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us.
BILLY GRAHAM
Being a Christian is more than just an instantaneous conversion; it is like a daily process whereby you grow to be more and more like Christ.
It is not the body’s posture, but the heart’s attitude that counts when we pray.
Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are often stiffened.
My home is in heaven. I’m just travelling through this world.
FAILURES
By Edgar Guest
‘Tis better to have tried in vain,
Sincerely striving for a goal,
Than to have lived upon the plain
An idle and timid soul.
‘Tis better to have fought and spent
Your courage, missing all applause,
Than to have lived in smug content
And never ventured for a cause.
For he who tries and fails may be
The founder of a better day;
Though never his the victory,
From him shall others learn the way.
HUMOR
An elderly married couple, who had been childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their old neighborhood, were celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down a street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they’d shared and find where he had carved, “I love you, Sally.” Then on their way back home, an armored truck drives by and a bag of money falls out and lands practically at their feet. Sally picks it up, but they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home.
There, she counts the money, and it’s fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, “We’ve got to give it back.” She says, “Finders keepers,” and she puts the money back into the bag and hides it in the attic.
The next day, two FBI men going door to door in the neighborhood looking for the money, show up at their home. They say, “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored truck yesterday?” The wife says, “No.” The husband says, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” Then the wife says, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, “Tell us the story from the beginning.” The old man says, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday….” One FBI guy looks at his partner and says, “Let’s get out of here.”
LIMERICKS
By Alfred Sandstrom
In an effort to help my buddy Richard, I attempted to find some limericks on line. Alas, most, if not all, were either smutty or just not that funny or even clever! I debated with myself as to what might be an acceptable subject for at least amusing limericks. It struck me, of course! Religion! What can be funnier than that?
In the following feeble attempts, I have tried to offend everyone equally, without being overtly offensive. Bye the way, my Poetic License has been renewed and is current!
A Catholic cook, quite professional,
Created a dish most delectabal,
It didn’t have fish
He said: if you wish,
I’ll repent of my sin in confessional.
A Protestant clerk named Malone
Said how will I ever atone
For my lack of belief
Then he sighed with relief
Of course! By faith all alone
A winsome young maid of New Church
Found quite a few beaus in her search
For a conjugial mate
Who would be just great
But she opted for some more research
A Baptist preacher from Stowe
With clamor and fervor did glow
He preached brimstone and fire,
Until he’d perspire
And put on one hell of a show
A Calvinist octogenarian
Wondered I don’t know really where I am
In heaven or hell
Who all can tell?
For I am a predestinarian
A Swedenborgian maid named Caruthers
Discussed at length with her brothers
How best to live life
As a Christian wife
Cause we know so much better than others
QUOTES AND SAYINGS
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Sing like nobody’s listening.
Love like you’ve never been hurt.
Ad astra per aspera (To the stars through hardship) - Motto of State of Kansas
“I never admired another’s fortune so much that I became dissatisfied with my own.” - Cicero
“You can bear your own faults, and why not a fault in your wife?” - Ben Franklin
“Man proposes; God disposes.” - Thomas Kempis
“We trust, sir, that God is on our side. It is more important to know that we are on God’s side.” - Abraham Lincoln
“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.” - Epictetus
“The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful, and has nobody to thank.” - Dante Gabriel Rossetti
“It takes a long time to become young.” - Pablo Picasso
“Data, data everywhere but not a thought to think.” - Theodore Roszak
The man who speaks truth is always at ease. - Persian proverb
“Some people handle truth carelessly; others never touch it at all.” - Anon.
“The body is the baggage you must carry through life. The more baggage, the shorter the trip.” - Martha Washington
Short supper; long life. - Serbian proverb
HUMOR
A seven year old girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather one morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she walked to school. But as the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.
The mother of the little girl thought that her daughter would be frightened as she walked from school. Also she feared that the electrical storm might harm her child, so she got in her car and drove quickly along the route her daughter took. As she did she saw her little girl walking along.
At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. As more lightning struck, she would look at the streak of light and smile. Then when her mother drew up beside her, she lowered the window and called out, “What are you doing?” Her daughter answered, “I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture.”
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when an empty gun is thrown at him?
In a Pennsylvania graveyard: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
NEWSPAPER HEADLINES:
Police officials begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.
Gas officials grilled by public.
Filming in cemetery angers residents.
HUMOR
A man wanted to buy a horse from a preacher. The preacher cautioned the man that this horse responded to different commands than normal horses. For instance, to make it go forward, you said “Praise the Lord.” To make it stop you said “Amen!”
The man hopped on the horse to try it out. He commanded, “Praise the Lord” and the horse commenced walking. Encouraged, the man said, “Praise the Lord” again and the horse began an easy trot. Two more “Praise the Lords” later and they were flying across the field at a furious gallop!
Suddenly the man looked forward and to his horror realized they were headed for a precipice! He screamed “amen, amen, amen, AMEN!” The horse came to a four-footed screeching halt not one foot from the cliff.
With utmost relief the man wiped his sweaty forehead and exclaimed, “PRAISE THE LORD.”
(Alfie Sandstrom sent me this story that his father, Rev. Erik Sandstrom, liked to tell.)
It’s good to question authority, but not mine.
Even at a Mensa convention, someone has to be the dumbest person in the room.
When in doubt, mumble.
Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers the phone.
96 AND STILL COOKING – A COLLECTION OF RECIPIES AND STORIES
BY HARRIET ANDERSON of HUNTINGDON VALLEY (Third printing 2004)
The telephone exchange was on the corner of the pike and Murray Avenue. The phone service was that you didn’t have a number, you didn’t have a dial – you just picked up the telephone. Libby Wright, the operator would say, “Oh hello, Harriet.” Then we’d talk about her children and my children and then she would say, “Who do you want to talk to, Harriet?” And I would say, “Betty King.” And she would say, “No use calling her. She’s over at Minnie Stahl’s. Shall I call over there to get her?” Then the story goes with that is that eventually we all got numbers…. I think we started with “Chapel Hill.”
There wasn’t any library when I moved to Huntingdon Valley. The Women’s Club started it with 17 books….There again we had bake sales, and we had to go around for 3 or 4 years, door to door asking for contributions…
.My life is like a dream, the way the Lord looked after me. This opened up; that opened up. How I got to college – I didn’t have a penny…
.I was very active in the Presbyterian Church. Anna Mae Flack, Grace Shelmire and I were always in the kitchen there. We loved it….I was a Sunday School teacher for 17 years.
I was elected to the School Board and served two terms. I used to host the new applicants in my house for tea.
1. Have faith 2. Enjoy life. 3. Have one interest that is compelling to you.