JULY - 2010

HUMOR

A SENIOR’S THOUGHTS:

I was thinking about the status symbols of today which are those cell phones that many people have clipped onto their belts or purses. I can’t afford one. So, I’m wearing my garage door opener. And, you know, I spent a fortune on deodorant to impress people who don’t like me anyway. I saw on video the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie named “Pumping Iron.” But for folks my age we should make a movie named “Pumping Rust.”

“If it moves, salute it; if it doesn’t move, pick it up; and if you can’t pick it up, paint it.” - 1940’s saying, probably military

“She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.” - Margot Asquith

There was a faith-healer of Deal,
Who said, “Although pain isn’t real,
If I sit on a pin,
And it punctures my skin,
I dislike what I fancy I feel.”

I can imagine that if you are on a picnic and drop some food to the ground that a rabbit eats, you could say, “There’s a hare in my food.”

A prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend’s father, “Son, are you prepared to support a family?” “Well, no sir,” he replied. “I was planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.”

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Patriotism and Freedom

“Freedom is never free.” - Author Unknown

“From every mountain side, Let Freedom ring.” - From the song “America” by Samuel F. Smith

“If our country is worth dying for in time of war let us resolve that it is truly worth living for in time of peace.” - Hamilton Fish

“There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America.” - William J. Clinton

“For what avail the plough or sail, or land or life, if freedom fail?” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

“This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave.” - Elmer Davis

“Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves.” - Abraham Lincoln

“I am not an Athenian or a Greek, but a citizen of the world.” - Diogenes

“And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.” - John F. Kennedy

“To silence criticism is to silence freedom.” - Sidney Hook

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.” - Edward Abby

MY GREEN SHIRT

On Friday, May 21st 2010, I attended the resurrection service for my sister Adrienne (Linquist) Burnham (Mrs. David Burnham). It was held at the Mitchell Performing Arts Center. I understand that previously there had been a Remembrance Service for Mimi Mitchell held there but my sister’s service, I believe, was the first resurrection service held in this building – the beginning, I suspect, of a many more to be held there.

The service began at the refreshing hour of 11:00 a.m. and the room quickly filled with about 300 friends. Most of the men wore dress suits, but I and a few others wore casual sports shirts – mine was a rich green color. (More about this later) The stage held an altar with a copy of the Word, a pulpit and two chairs.

Below the stage was a piano which was being played by Betsy Walsh. Lori Soneson and Stephanie Rose were singing, I thought, angelically. Soon Lori’s husband, John, joined in the singing. A hymn, Wait on the Lord, was sung and then Rev. James “Jay” Barry walked onto the stage in a casual suit, without a tie, to the center of the stage and stated that he would like this to a happy time of celebration. How calming and relieving from built up personal tension this was. Thank you, Jay. Then he opened the Word and read passages from Divine Revelation.

Next Tony Rose played the piano as Peter Childs stood to sing The 23rd Psalm. I believe I felt the presence of angels during his inspired singing.

Amy Jones, who had been sitting on the stage next to Rev. Barry, walked to the pulpit. She asked for there to be a quiet state among us, so that we could allow the Lord to enter our minds undisturbed by other thoughts. Amy was so calm. (I knew that Adrienne had done this many times in her search for mental peace.) The words of The Lord’s Prayer was sung by Peter Childs and Christine McDonald after which we sang the song Spiral composed by Heather Childs.

Jay then talked about Adrienne’s life and loves – well-perceived and well-articulated by him. As he spoke of her life with her husband and children, I daydreamed that he would invite me to the stage to say a few words. They would have been, “I notice that most of the men here have shown their respect for this occasion by wearing suits. And I suspect that many of you may be wondering why I am so casually dressed. Well, when I would visit my sister she usually noticed my clothing and commented that she liked my sporty clothes, from shoes to shirt. I wore this green shirt today out of respect for her. As Jay pointed out Adrienne loved gardening in nature, from the growing of flowers to the growing of wholesome vegetables with which to nourish her family. She was among the first to ‘go green’ many decades ago and today I decided to also ‘go green’ in memory and in honor of my sister.”

Following Jay’s address we said the Lord’s Prayer which was followed by the benediction and the closing of the Word. After the curtain was lowered, drumming was heard by Steve Synnestvedt accompanied by Roxanne Rhodes who shook a rain stick. It was powerful, building in intensity and volume. Similarly Adrienne rocked her world by bringing five daughters and one son into the natural world. She was a strongly independent force here on earth and I wish her well in her journey in the spiritual world.

HEALTHY ATTITUDES

“Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and inventions, to waste a moment on the yesterdays.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

“You should not hold back from making a start because of fears of the future.” - Lewis Presnall

“I believe that all genuine healing addresses the problem of unblocking negatives.” - Sun Bear

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow.” - Helen Keller

“Never consent to creep when you feel an impulse to soar.” - Ibid

“Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.” - William James

“Go fearlessly, not fearfully.” - Anonymous

“We must face what we fear; that is the case of the core of the restoration of health.” - Max Lerne

“The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next.” - Mignon McLaughlin

HUMOR

I know that it is going to be a good day when I go food shopping and all the wheels on my shopping cart turn in the same direction.

Did you hear about the elderly man who began to spend a lot of time visiting an elderly woman? Neither had ever been married and each had lived alone for many years. Gradually the old gentleman felt a real attachment to her but was shy and afraid to reveal his feelings. After many days of anxiety and fear, he got the courage to declare his intentions. He went over to her home and in a nervous frenzy he blurted out, “Let’s get married!!” Surprised, she threw up her arms and shouted, “It’s a wonderful idea, but who in the world would have us?”

A very intelligent blonde sent this item to me: A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats just behind their team’s bench. After the game he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially seeing all the big muscles and athletic running, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ And I am like…helloooo. It’s only 25 cents!!!!”

“Whom are you?” asked the graduate of a business college.

PRAYER

“O Lord, if this I am now going through is the right road home, then I will not murmur!” - Rosalind Goforth (19th-20th centuries)

“My Lord, I love you. My God, I am sorry. My God, I believe in You. My God, I trust You. Help us to love one another as You love us.” - Mother Teresa

“We must praise your goodness, that you have left nothing undone to draw us to yourself. But one thing we ask of you, our God, not to cease your work in our improvement. Let us tend towards you, no matter what the means, and be fruitful in good works, for the sake of Jesus Christ our Lord.” - Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

“God, of your goodness, give me yourself; for you are sufficient for me. I cannot properly ask anything less, to be worthy of you. If I were to ask less, I should always be in want. In you alone do I have all. - Julian of Norwich, 14th century

“O Lord Jesus, acknowledge what is yours in us, and take away from us all that is not yours; for your honor and glory.” - St. Bernardine, 14th-15th centuries

“O Lord, never allow us to think that we can stand by ourselves, and not need you.” - John Donne

“O my God, you have surpassed all I have hoped for, and I want to sing of your mercies.” - St. Therese of Lisieux, 19th century

QUOTATIONS

“What in me is dark, I illumine.” - John Milton

“We and God have business with each other; and in opening ourselves to his influence our deepest destiny is fulfilled. The universe, at those parts of which our personal being constitutes, takes a turn genuinely for the worse or for the better in proportion as each one of us fulfills or evades God’s demands.” - William James

“All perfection in this life is accompanied by a measure of imperfection, and all our knowledge contains an element of obscurity.” - T. Kempis

“Let nothing disturb you; Let nothing dismay you; All things pass, God never changes, Patience attains all it strives for. He who has God finds he lacks nothing. God alone suffices.” - St. Teresa of Avila

“Always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. Love a friend, a wife, something – whatever you like – you will be on the way to knowing more about Him; that is what I say to myself. But one must love with a lofty and serious intimate sympathy, with strength, with intelligence, and one must try to know deeper, better and more. That leads to God, that leads to unwavering faith.” - Vincent van Gogh

“There is one thing stronger than all the armies in the world; and that is an idea whose time has come.” - Anonymous

“Among those whom I admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.” - W. Auden

HUMOR

FROM NEWSPAPERS:

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One-Armed Man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers

Debra Jackson said she likes shopping at the Dollar Palace because it is convenient and casual. “I don’t have to get all dressed up [to go there] like I’m going to Wal-Mart or something,” she said.

DOROTHY COMMENTS: What is a limited lifetime warranty? Of what value is a guarantee that is “good for the life of the product”?

Preacher to the congregation: “Crying babies and disruptive children, like good intentions, should be carried out immediately.”

Some people believe that the shin was invented for finding furniture in the dark although the little toe is more effective, I believe.

I can live with my arthritis
and my dentures fit just fine.
I can see with my bifocals,
but I sure do miss my mind.

Liberace: “Go ahead and stare. I don’t dress this way to go unnoticed.”

Two Cub Scouts, whose younger brother had fallen into a lake, rushed home to their mom with tears in their eyes. One of them sobbed, “We tried to give him artificial respiration but he kept getting up and running away.”

The best defense against a nuclear bomb is not to be there when it explodes.