SEPTEMBER 2009

HUMOR

At a clothing store where I work, I make it a point to give customers my honest opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. “No, no,” I said. “Those jeans look terrible on you. I’ll go get you another pair.” Then as I walked away, I heard him mumble, “I was trying on the shirt.”

My niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening in her neighborhood. “How convenient,” she said. “I can walk to it.”

An excited man runs into his physician’s office. “Doctor! Doctor! My wife is in labor. She keeps screaming, ‘Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, can’t.’” “Oh, that’s okay,” says the doctor. “She’s just having contractions.”

I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me. “Going out?” I called to them. “No,” said the man. “We’re just friends.”

Some neighbors of my grandparent’s gave them a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that my grandmother had to throw it away. Ever gracious and tactful, she still felt obliged to send the neighbors a note. It read, “Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn’t last very long in our house.”

VARIOUS THOUGHTS

Eventually aging will reach a point when you stop fibbing about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their personal odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s in trouble with mom.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but to also leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment to do so.

To a good listener half a word is enough.

“We have grasped the mystery of the atom, and rejected the Sermon on the Mount.” - Omar Bradley

“I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.” - Winston Churchill

“Prejudice is the child of ignorance.” - William Hazlitt

“Things are beautiful if you love them.” - Jean Anouilh

There is none so blind as those who won’t see. - English Proverb

“The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities.” - Sophocles

“Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.” - Robert Frost

“Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.” - George S. Patton

“Injustice never rules forever.” - Seneca

PROVERBS

No rose is without its thorns.

A tree is known by its fruit.

A workman is known by his work.

A person is as old as he-she feels.

A joy that is shared is a joy made double.

Actions speak louder than words.

An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.

Anger dies quickly with a good man.

Anger often is more hurtful that the injury that caused it.

Confession is the first step of repentance.

Blind is the bookless man.

Discretion is the better part of valor.

Do not be in a hurry to tie what you cannot untie.

Do not triumph before the victory.

Every dog has his day.

First impressions are the most lasting.

Many a true word is spoken in jest.

He who seeks trouble always finds it.

A joyful evening may follow a sorrowful morning.

Least said is soonest mended.

PEOPLE

On Saturday, July 11 of this year, Dorothy and I again did the “tourist thing” in New Hope and Lambertville. Late in the day, we sat next to a lady on a bench near the Delaware River where people often come to feed the ducks. (I had counted more than 30 of them on this day.) Anyway the lady, about 65 years old and well-dressed, was eating a cup of ice cream. Then suddenly she dropped a hunk of ice cream, but quickly grabbed it before it landed on her dress. “Oops,” I said and so began a conversation.

She told us that she had finally summoned up the courage to make the 1 hour and 20 minute ride from New Brunswick, N.J. to come to New Hope and get a cup of ice cream. She informed us that her husband had died of a brain aneurism four years ago and that they used to visit New Hope, see its sights and enjoy some ice cream.

Further she told us that she grew up in Jersey City which is very close to New York City. When a child she and her mom and dad occasionally would visit New York. Her dad insisted that all of them hold hands because with his wife and daughter looking up at the very tall buildings, he was worried that they would not be watching for fast-moving traffic.

She had been a fourth grade teacher and her husband an English teacher in High School. This scene reminded me of a gentleman who lived here in Bryn Athyn who, when in his mid-eighties, often cried when he talked of his dear wife who had preceded him into the Spiritual World. He worried that he was not good enough to be with her in heaven but I like to think that his humility qualified him.

Anyway life flows on like the vigorous, but usually peaceful Delaware. It does not stop although we may stop occasionally to observe how things change, in our lives.

This speech was published the October 1918 issue of the Sons of the Academy Bulletin. No doubt the poem was delivered in Bryn Athyn. Also I would note that the word “lexiphanic” probably refers to being related to the dictionary because lex. is a shorten version of lexicon.

VARIOUS PERSONAL HAPPENINGS

Last July Vita told me to participate in a game with her grandpa, Jerry. He understands very little English so Vita wanted me to talk to him in Ukrainian. I had played this game before and was not very good at it, but I agreed to her request. However instead of pointing to my hand and saying “aruga”, I thought that I would be very clever and decided to point to my eye and say, “tomato.”

But Vita would have nothing of that and instantly responded, “The tomatoes are behind you.” And so they were, or least the row of tomato plants were there. She was so lighting quick in her response to me that I was somehow aware that I was in the presence of a superior being. She just smiled at me.

On a day near the end of July, I spotted our local three-year-old-wannabe-nudist walking on Woodward Drive. I called out to several 5-year-olds, “Put some pants on him.” One boy replied, “We can’t. He bites.” I walked away.

On Friday, July 18th, I was at the Consolidated Plant Organization building in Bryn Athyn where Dorothy is the Office Manager. Here was the situation, two of her co-workers were not available to open the door when visitors rang the doorbell and Dorothy had to concentrate on her work. So I volunteered to attend to any visitors for an hour or so. After several minutes, I spotted a metal paperclip on the floor. I wanted to pick it up, but the thought came to me that I had not volunteered to clean the building! However after about 15 minutes, I bent over and picked it up. Now what should I do with it? First I put in on Tiffany’s desk and sat down in a chair in her office. However it looked out of place on her very orderly desk. Also when she returned I did not want her to think that she had left it there haphazardly. That might have disturbed her pride in her neatness. So I attached it to a book I was reading.

Later when I was at home I spotted the shiny paperclip on the floor. I picked it up and asked Dorothy if she would mind returning it to CPO. She looked at me as if to say, “Forget it.” Now what was I suppose to do? The paperclip was not mine to keep. I thought about returning it to CPO and asking someone there if I could give it to her or him. (That probably would have given birth to some more infernal rumors about me.) So I thought that I would to go back to CPO and drop it on the floor where I had originally found it. (Now you and I know that some situations arise in our lives where we intend to do a good deed like pick up a paperclip, then realize that we probably shouldn’t have bothered. Then all we want to do is retreat and apologize. No doubt good people who are aware of our intentions and actions will say something like, “Thanks for your concern, but we really do not need any help now.”)

As I see it, the main danger I may face in returning the paperclip to the floor from whence it came is that I may hear the words, “Richard, why are you littering CPO?” At such a moment I would become painfully aware of one of Murphy’s lesser laws, namely the LAW OF PROBALITY which states, “The probability of being watched is directly proportionally to the stupidity of your actions.” Forget these plans – I tossed the paperclip into my wastebasket.

On Saturday, July 11th Dorothy and I had lunch at the Inn of the Hawke in Lambertville, N.J. After rejecting several tables, I finally settled on one in a secluded area. The seats were a bit hard, so from a green bag I carry, I pulled out a foam cushion and sat on it. Towards the end of the meal, I reached into the bag and put on my bill cap. Just then the waitress approached and as I took off my hat three napkins fell from my head to the table and then onto the floor. Apparently as I reached into to bag to grab my hat I had also grabbed the napkins which I usually carry in the bag. Maybe the waitress thought that I was doing a magic act to entertain Dorothy, or more likely, thought I was a “whack job.” Then as we were leaving I walked around a corner of the room and my elbow accidently hit the ribs of a waitress who was not looking towards me. Amazing what quick reflexes young folks have! She jumped about one foot and Dorothy looked at me as if to say this was the last time we would be dining here.

QUOTATIONS FROM EMANUEL SWEDENBORG (1688-1772)

“But heaven is granted only to those who know the way to it and walk in that way.”

“It is a law of the Divine Providence that man should act from freedom in accordance with reason.”

“Anyone can see from reason alone that there is no conjunction of minds unless it is reciprocal, and that the reciprocation is what conjoins. If one loves another and is not loved in return, then as one approaches the other withdraws; but if he is loved in return, then as one approaches, the other approaches, and conjunction takes place.”

“For as truths open the understanding so falsities close it….”

“But the hardest struggle of all is with the love of rule from the love of self. He who subdues this easily subdues all other loves, for this is their head.”

“No evil can be taken away from anyone until it becomes evident and is seen and acknowledged….”

“The operation of the Lord’s Divine providence to withdraw man from evils is continuous.”

(These quotations are from the book, ANGELIC WISDOM concerning THE DIVINE PROVIDENCE. See www.brynathyncathedral.org)

What follows are pictures of paintings by Alfred Sandstrom. I am sure that you will recognize the woman and the dragon (Rev. 12), the Son of man in the midst of seven golden (lamps) candlesticks (Rev. 1) and the holy city new Jerusalem (Rev. 21.)