On March 13th as I was walking toward the front door of my home I spotted a scrap of paper on the path. It looked like trash, so I picked it up and then noticed some writing on it. “Dear fairies, I hope you enjoy your fairy house! You do not have to leave anything but if you can, please do!”
I realized that this message must have blown from my neighbor’s yard, where I had spotted a small child-made structure. So I proceeded to go and look at it again. Pieces of plastic made the sides and a roof and inside there was dried grass for a floor. Next to this was some furniture from a child’s miniature playhouse.
(Now, all that I will reveal is that it seemed to me that is was very important for the fairies to leave something for Julia and Victoria.)
Two days later I casually asked Julia whether the fairies had left anything for her. Her face glowed with excitement as she informed me, “They gave me two quarters!”
Although it was a cold 45 degrees on that day last March, I asked Julia if she could show me how she jumps rope. So there we were, with our winter coats on, standing on the side of the road. She showed me her expert moves. Then Victoria tried it, as best she could. Next, I asked if I could try to jump rope. Four times I successfully jumped then decided to stop before I tangled the rope on my feet. OK, then Julia hauled out two plastic chairs from her home and placed them on the side of the road. We each sat on one, while Victoria sat on a child’s car seat on the road. Julia opened a book and proceeded to read to us, while showing us pictures in the book. Then I began to feel cold and said I should go home. Victoria pleaded for me to stay. “How long?” I asked. “Ten hours,” she replied. Then we went to my house for chocolate chip cookies. End of story.
A first-grader came to the ophthalmology office where I work to have his vision checked. He sat down and I turned off the lights. Then I switched on the projector that flashed the letters F, Z, and B on a screen. I asked the boy what he saw. Without hesitation he said, “Consonants.”
An old businessman was on his deathbed, and called for his friend to come to his side. “Bill,” he said weakly, “I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated.” “Yes, my friend, I will,” his friend replied. “And what do you want me to do with your ashes?” The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, ‘Now you have everything.’”
A pastor was doing a funeral the first week of a new assignment and therefore was unable to say anything personal about the man whose body was in the casket. So he asked those present to share. He asked, “Is there anyone here who can say anything good about this man?” Silence. The pastor continued, “Surely someone here can say something nice about this man.” More silence. Finally an old gentleman stood up and said, “Well, he wasn’t as bad as his brother.”
To make a long story short, don’t tell it.
Senior Campbell’s Soup – New Large Type Alphabet Soup
I’m Retired – I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today
The Snap, Crackle and Pop I hear in the morning isn’t my Rice Krispies
Don’t look back. Something might be gaining on you. [Yes, he said “something” although the meaning obviously is “someone.”]
Don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.
Ain’t no man can avoid being born average, but there ain’t no man got to be common.
I ain’t never had a job, I just always played baseball.
If a man can beat you, walk him.
If your stomach disputes you, lie down and pacify it with cool thoughts.
My pitching philosophy is simple – keep the ball away from the bat.
When a batter swings and I see his knees move, I can tell just what his weaknesses are, then I just put the ball where I know he can’t hit it.
Not to be cheered by praise, not to be grieved by blame, but to know thoroughly one’s own virtues or powers are the characteristics of an excellent man.
I don’t generally like running. I believe in training by rising gently up and down from the bench.
I never rush myself. See, they can’t start the game without me.
Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind it doesn’t matter.
Joe DiMaggio called Satchel Paige “the best and fastest pitcher I’ve ever faced.” In 1965, at about age 60, he pitched for the last time, throwing three shutout innings for the Kansas City Athletics.
When I was about 15 years old I saw him pitch for the Cleveland Indians.
Most smart Swedes stayed in Sweden except Charles Lindberg. And even he made an extraordinary effort to get back home.
If you ever want to see the eyes of someone you are talking to glaze over, inject the words “family history” or “genealogy” into the conversation.
SPOONERISMS Reverend W.A. Spooner (1844-1930), an Anglican clergyman, apparently was a nervous man and tended to mix up words when preaching. Examples are: “A troop of boy scouts” becomes “A scoop of boy trouts.” “Is it kistomary to cuss the bride?” “I have a half-formed wish in my mind,” becomes “I have a half-warmed fish in my mind.”
PALINDROMES Palindromes are words or phrases which read the same backwards as forwards. A well-know example is, “A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.” Also, “Madam, I’m Adam.”
DEFINiTIONS - Examples:
Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
PUN Webster’s Dictionary defines a pun as “the humorous use of a word or words, which are formed or sounded alike but have different meanings, is such a way as to play on two or more possible applications: a play on words.” In the early 18th century England a common practice when speaking was answer in a single syllable, made from a larger word. People did it for fun. The word “pundigrion” was coined to describe this kind of wordplay. It’s believed that this was the origin of the word “pun.”
TOM SWIFTIES Tom Swift was a fictional character in books written by the author E.L. Stratemeyer in the early 1900’s. In these books, the author avoided using the word “said” whenever Tom spoke. Tom asserted, averred, chortled, declared, expostulated, etc. If he actually “said” anything, he did it colorfully, as in “Tom said, laughingly” or “Tom said condescendingly, ‘Take the prisoner downstairs.’” The adverb “condescendingly” makes a double pun on related words “con” (prisoner) and “descending” (downstairs).
Other examples of this humor are “Let’s go to McDonald’s,” Jim said archly. Also “I know who turned off the lights,” Jane hinted darkly.
JOKE A funny story.
Light-hearted poetry
Witty sayings An example from Oscar Wilde is: “I am not young enough to know everything.”
Before the advent of clocks, people used sundials. In the northern hemisphere, the shadows rotated in the direction we now call “clockwise.” Clock hands were invented to mimic the natural movements of the sun. If clocks had been invented in the southern hemisphere, they probably would run in the opposite direction.
In Scotland, the birthplace of golf, courses originally were made with varying numbers of holes. The most prestigious golf club, the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews, originally had twenty-two holes. On October 4, 1764, the twenty-two holes were reduced to eighteen in order to lengthen each hole and make it more challenging. A course of eighteen holes was adopted later by other golf clubs, modeled after St. Andrews.
The letters come from two managers at the candy company in the early 1940s whose names were Mars and Murrie.
In the eighth century, a group of Islamic warriors, the Moors, invaded and occupied Spain. This didn’t sit too will with the aristocrats of Castile, who began referring to themselves as sangre azul (blue blood) to differentiate themselves from the Moors. This was not from the color of their blood but from the lighter color of their skin compared to the Moors. The paler complexion of their skin allowed more blue veins to appear.
A lady taught for 11 years at a day-care center. One winter afternoon she was trying to show a young boy how to zip up his coat. “The secret,” she said, “is to get this piece of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up.” After struggling with the zipper for several minutes, the boy sighed and said, “Why does it have to be a secret?”
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to take their favorite church parking spot or pew.
I don’t know why some people change churches. What difference does it make which one you stay home from?
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Ole and Lena lived by a lake in Northern Minnesota. It vas springtime, and da lake vas yust beginning to thaw. Ole asked Lena if she would walk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.” So she valked across, got da smokes at da yeneral store, den valked beck home across da lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes, she asked him, “Ole, you always tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn’t you just give me some money?” Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit any money ven I wasn’t sure how tick the ice vas.”
Meister Eckhart (c.1260 – c. 1328) is the name used to refer to Eckhart von Hochheim, a German theologian and philosopher. (Meister is German for “master.”)
The Bryn Athyn Inn was dedicated on April 20th, 1898 – 72 years ago this month! At that time it was called “The New School.” Bishop W.F. Pendleton performed the ceremony. After the singing of “Shema Israel” the Word was put into the repository and the Bishop made a few remarks. He said the building was dedicated to the uses of the Theological School, the College, the Seminary, the Library, and the Book Room of the Academy of the New Church…. He mentioned that besides housing the school, the new building would be able to fill the ever pressing need of a dormitory of pupils who come from a distance….
On Saturday evening May 7th, 1898 the Dedication Supper was held in the New School. Tables were spread in the large assembly room…. At one end of the large room, there was an American Eagle and two large American flags. Some of the waitresses wore belts and ribbons of red, white and blue. There were many toasts proposed and responded to by speeches and songs accompanied by piano, mandolins, and guitars played by pupils of the schools.
The festivities started at about 8:00 p.m. with Prof. C.T.H. Odhner as the toastmaster. He gave a toast to “The New Church which is the End and the Academy is the Means” – Vivat Nova Ecclesia was sung and the evening got into its stride…. Then there was a toast to Mr. Henry Stroh, the builder, and to Mr. Van Horn “the long-tried janitor of the Academy Schools.” He sang a humorous song in lieu of a speech. After this, the wonderful evening drew to a close, at a very late hour, no doubt!
Record breaking cold, sleet and snow moved into the area last week. Hoping that the brave buds and shoots have not been damaged, we anticipate some decent weather now. Hardy hikers of a Hiking Club passed through Bryn Athyn on Saturday, visiting the Cathedral on their way from Willow Grove over to Philmont.
An estimated one thousand students of the Neshaminy Junior High School system are scheduled to visit the Cathedral in a series of tours next month.
Did you hear about Ole’s nephew Torvald who won a gold medal at the Olympics? Yeah, he had it bronzed.
Ole and Lena had been married seven years. Lena was getting worried that Ole might be getting the seven year itch. She thought he might be thinking of cheating on her. So Lena says to Ole, “You never tell me you love me. Is there someone else?” Ole replies, “When we got married I told you I love you. If I ever change my mind I’ll let you know.”
In the middle of the show, Ole stands up and yells at the ventriloquist, “Hey, you’re making too many jokes about us Norwegians. Cut it out!” And the ventriloquist says, “Take it easy. They’re only jokes.” And Ole responds, “I’m not talking to you; I’m talking to that little guy sitting on your knee.”
A teacher’s job to a take a room full of live wires and make sure they are well grounded.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion keeps everyone away.
You know you’re poor when the Salvation Army declines your furniture.
You know you live in a poor neighborhood when a tornado hits and does $100,000 worth of improvements.