JULY 2009

ERMA BOMBECK

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is a wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

Some say the national pastime is baseball. Not me. It’s gossip.

When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Car designers just have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me.”

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

QUOTATIONS

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscape but in having new eyes. - Marcel Proust

Sometimes I sits and thinks and sometimes I just sits. - Satchel Paige

Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste they hurry past it. - Soren Kierkegaard

Seize the day. - Horace

Open your pores and bathe in all the tides of nature. - Thoreau

I took a walk on Spaulding’s farm the other afternoon. I saw the setting sun lighting up the opposite side of the stately pine wood. - Thoreau

In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Make the most of every sense; glory in all of the pleasures and beauty which the world reveals to you. - Helen Keller

This thing we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down. - Mary Pickford

Wit is far more often a shield than a lance. - Anon.

The teeth are smiling, but is the heart? - Congo proverb

A hedge between keeps friendship green. - German proverb

If I have seen farther it is by standing on the shoulders of giants. - Isaac Newton

He who laughs, lasts. - Anon.

BRYN ATHYN POST 1973

March 22 - THE GLENN HOUSE by Viola Ridgway

Come, my friend, and walk with me, in fancy, up to the Pike and turn left [as we leave Alnwick Avenue.] We walk past the little old Toll House that stands where the Paper Mill Road passes across the Pike on the North Side. But let us linger a moment to watch Mr. Worthington as he comes out of his small house, removes the chain across the Pike and collects the 5 [cents], the toll from the driver of a horse and wagon that is on its way to Philadelphia.

Picture the Pike as a hard dirt road where the horses and wagons that pass make a frightful dust during the dry season. However, this is the 12th of April, 1895. Spring is in the air – the scent of all kinds of blossoms is carried on the gentle breeze. This is the day that Mr. and Mrs. Robert Glenn have put aside as the time for the laying of the Cornerstone of their new home (the house will be called Glennhurst….)

June 1 - YE OLDE SECRETARY by Viola Ridgway

To many of the children growing up at that time, without cars, movies or television, Cairnwood stood for all that was beautiful and good in the world. It seemed to be the place where Princesses and Kings and Queens of the fairy tales might live. The charming music room, like a French salon, the wide graceful stairway with a window seat on the landing, the court with its railing that ran around the hall on the second floor, that was supported by wide columns, the dining room with a “gold” ceiling, the crystal and silver that were on the side board, and the French windows that opened onto the garden, all these rooms were something apart from the lives of children. When there was an invitation to visit that great house, it was like stepping into the land of long ago when there were fairies…. I wonder if Mr. Pitcairn ever knew how much joy he gave the people around him, with his hospitality and his warm friendliness, and that they were glad that he lived there and called Cairnwood his home.

MURPHY’S LESSER LAWS

LAW OF THE TELEPHONE – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

LAW OF THE BATH – When your body is fully immersed in warm water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF PROBABILITY – The probably of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.

LAW OF COFFEE – As soon as you sit down to drink a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until your coffee is cold.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF VARITATION – If you change lanes when driving, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in ( works every time.)

HOW HOT IS IT?

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

You learn that asphalt has a liquid state.

Hot water comes out of both taps.

Robbins use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The best parking space is determined by shade instead of the distance to where you want to shop.

When the temperature drops below 85 F you feel chilly. Then you know that it has been very hot.

MICKEY MANTLE 1931-1995

After I hit a home run I had the habit of running the bases with my head down. I figured the pitcher already felt bad enough without me showing him up rounding the bases.

Heroes are people who are all good and no bad in them. That’s the way I always saw Joe DiMaggio. He was beyond question one of the greatest players of the century.

Hitting the ball was easy. Running around the bases was the hard part.

I always loved the game, but when my legs weren’t hurting it was a lot easier to love.

If I knew I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

JOE DiMAGGIO 1914-1999

I’m just a ballplayer with one ambition, and that is to give all I’ve got to help my ball club win. I’ve never played any other way.

A person always doing his or her best becomes a natural leader, just by example.

There is always some kid who may be seeing me for the first time. I owe him my best.

We need a hit so here I go.

Now I’ve had everything except for the thrill of watching Babe Ruth play.

If anyone wants to know why three kids in one family made it to the big leagues they just had to know how we helped each other and how much we practiced back then. We did it every minute we could.

LIFE LESSONS

by Regina Brett, now 90 years old, from a column she had written for The Plain Dealer newspaper in Cleveland, Ohio.

1. Life isn’t fair, but it is still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone….
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up your present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words “In five years, will this matter?”
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
34. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative – dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we threw all our problems into a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

HUMOR

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I work hard because millions of people on welfare depend on me.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

My dog can lick anyone.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Amish Country: A half a million people and 12 last names.

I used to be indecisive. But now I’m not sure.

FROM NEWSPAPERS

In Modesto CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to rob a bank without a weapon. King used his thumb and index finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately for him, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures. (Really?)

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

GORDIAN KNOT

Named after Gordius, a peasant who was chosen king of Phrygia, an ancient kingdom in Asia Minor. Gordius attached the yoke of his wagon to the beam with a bark rope knotted so cleverly that no one could untie it. This was the original Gordian knot.

Alexander the Great was told that whoever undid the knot would rule over the entire East, whereupon he announced that he would accomplish the task. What did he do? He cut the knot in two pieces with his sword. He cut the Gordian knot, solving a difficult problem by taking evasive action. (Why solve a knotty problem by conventional means? Cut through it!)

MALAPROPISM

A malapropism is the ludicrous misuse of a word, especially confusing the word with another of similar sound. Named after the character Mrs. Malaprop, in The Rivals (1775), by the Irish playwright Richard Sheridan (1751-1816). It was Mrs. Malaprop who mangled the English language splendidly. Her name came from the adjective malapropos, meaning inappropriate. Two of Mrs. Malaprop’s malapropisms are “…the very pineapple of politeness” and “…headstrong as an allegory on the banks of the Nile.”

CHIPPENDALE

A light and elegant style of furniture (especially mahogany chairs) from the name of Thomas Chippendale (1718-1779) and his son Thomas (1749-1822), English furniture designers.

HEPPLEWHITE

A light, delicate, and graceful style of furniture of the latter part of the eighteenth century, much prized by collectors. Named for George Hepplewhite (1727? – 1786), an English cabinet maker.

THOMAS SHERATON (1751-1806) was an English furniture designer.

HENNY YOUNGMAN

Some people’s idea of a conversation is a filibuster.

An opportunist never forgets a favor – if he did it.

A pessimist is never happy unless he’s miserable, and even then he’s not pleased.

A psychiatrist is a mind-sweeper.

An Antique isn’t always as old as it’s cracked up to be.

Any man who argues with his wife and wins – loses.

Guy to psychiatrist, “Nobody talks to me.” Psychiatrist says, “Next!”

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

A man driving a car does not get lost – he is simply searching for alternative routes.

A man is not ignorant – he is factually unencumbered.

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Man who sleep on bed of nails is holy.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

A man forgot to buy his wife her favorite anemones for her birthday. By the time he got to the florist’s, all the shop had left were bits of greenery. Nevertheless he decided to buy the foliage and was pleasantly surprised when his wife expressed her delight at the gift. “With fronds like these,” she exclaimed, “who needs anemones?”