A teacher asked a young student how he would divide ten potatoes among 20 people.
The student replied, “I’d mash them.”
A wife said to her husband: “Darling, I really need a new dress.”
“Why? What’s wrong with the one you’ve got?”
“Well, it’s too long and, besides, the veil keeps getting in my eyes.”
I was with my wife and she was reading a magazine and she showed me a photograph of a fur coat.
She said, “I’d like that.”
So I cut it out and gave it to her.
You’re drinking too much coffee when you haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
A man went to an optician’s office. “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
The receptionist asked, “Have you seen a doctor?”
“No, just spots.”
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
It was a balmy summer’s afternoon and an old timer and his wife were sitting rocking on the porch at
the side of their house when they heard a funeral procession pass by the front door.
“That’ll be old Jerry’s funeral,” said the husband. “They reckon it’s the biggest there’s been around
here for years.”
“I’d like to have seen it, “ said the wife.
“Me too. After all, he was the best man at our wedding.”
“That’s right. Shame we ain’t facing that way.”
Everyone is of some use, even if only to serve as a horrible example.
To be of use in the world is the only way to be happy.
“When a wife has a good husband it is easily seen in her face.” - Goethe
A winner never quits and a quitter never wins.
Wit should be the salt of conversation, not the food.
Since this magazine can now be read on the internet, there is a much wider readership. So for the rest of this issue I will present information from the October 2007 issue, which I think, this new larger group of readers would enjoy.
Sometimes I think I’d like to be
A dandelion wild,
A humble nodding tow head
By the sun beguiled.
But in my quieter hours sound
My tinkling snow white bells,
A lily of the valley now
To grace a shady dell.
And yet, something exotic,
I hear an orchid’s call,
A jungle thing, quixotic,
Beside a waterfall.
Then again I wonder
If I would happy be
Among the windswept heather
Within a lavender sea.
I’d be a water lily
Just basking in the sun
And play with frogs and fishes
A-swimming just for fun.
But it really doesn’t matter
As long as I could be
A part of God’s Creation
And that’s just fine with me.
Nothing is more stressful than trying to be a person different from who you are.
Cherish all your happy moments; they make a fine cushion for old age.
A real friend never gets in your way unless you are on your way down.
It isn’t necessary to blow out another person’s light to let your own shine.
Courage and perseverance often cause difficulties to disappear.
It’s nice to know that when you help someone up a hill, you’re nearer the top yourself.
Let your hopes, not your hurts, set your goals.
People who sing their own praises are apt to be soloists.
All wise people share one trait – the ability to listen.
There is no elevator to success; you must take the stairs.
Real love begins when nothing is expected in return.
Youth looks ahead, old age looks back and middle age looks tired.
If you are all wrapped up in yourself, you are over-dressed.
Enjoy life; this is not a dress rehearsal.
Enjoy today; it won’t come back.
You can’t control the length of your life, but you can control its width and depth.
Over every mountain is a path that can’t be seen from the valley.
Anyone can be at the helm when the sea is calm.
The strongest words are usually used in the weakest arguments.
Never judge the day by the weather.
I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist.
Trustees exclaimed, “He never bungles!”
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile
“You mean,” he said, “a crocodile.
This one is entering her teens,
Ripe for sentimental scenes,
Has picked a gangling unripe male,
Sees herself in a bridal veil,
Presses lips and tosses head,
Declares she’s not too young to wed,
Informs you pertly you forget
Romeo and Juliet.
Do not argue, do not shout;
Remind her how that one turned out.
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
The panther is like a leopard,
Except it hasn’t been peppered.
Should you behold a panther crouch,
Prepare to say Ouch.
Better yet, if called by a panther,
Don’t anther.
The following information is taken from a booklet by Walter Childs II that was printed in 1983. Walter C. Childs lived the last six years of his life in Bryn Athyn. He was a founder of the Academy along with John Pitcairn, Frank Ballou and Bishop Benade.
Walter never missed Church [in the Cathedral] and became one of the famous “timers” of the sermons. As soon as the minister started his sermon, Walter would bring out his gold watch, raise it in the air for all to see, and then quietly place it in his lap. After exactly twenty minutes, he would raise the pocket watch and snap it shut providing visible and audible attention to his philosophy that “no one is saved after twenty minutes.”
After Church he would visit one [of] his children’s homes and stay for Sunday diner. He would bestow upon the lucky host a bottle of his homemade wine. It was the custom of the grandchildren to line up and kiss Dannypappa. The girls and mother were then excused to prepare the meal, while the men, including the grandsons, retired to the living room where the men sipped a glass of wine, discussed the sermon, while the grandsons sat silently at attention. The grandsons learned to respect Dannypappa’s cane; for whenever the mother or a sister entered the living room, if the grandson wasn’t on his feet immediately, Dannypappa would rap him hard across the shins with his cane. This was a lesson in manners never to be forgotten.
During his years in Bryn Athyn, Walter kept his watchful eye on the affairs of the Academy and the Church. He was quick to point out those events that did not please him. For example, he noticed one Sunday in Church that there was a display in the entrance room of the Writings in paper-back. He immediately wrote to Rev. George de Charms, “It was in this room that I received a discordant shock, caused by seeing copies of the Writings offered for sale in paper-backs!”
In addition to his articles in New Church Life, there also were many short and long “Letters to the Editor.” Probably, one of the more humorous letters was titled, “How were you brought to the Light?” in which Walter suggested the formation of a small group of young members to gather, assemble and publish true stories of the unusual ways new members discovered the Writings. He used the example of Mr. Edward Porter, who as a young man, floating down the Mississippi in a flatboat, fished a book out of the water. It proved to be a copy of Heaven and Hell! Mr. Porter accepted the Doctrines as a new revelation, and both he and his wife were baptized into the Church.
(His is one of the six heads carved in stone in the Council Chamber of the Cathedral.)
GO PLACIDLY AMID THE NOISE & HASTE, & REMEMBER WHAT PEACE THERE MAY BE IN SILENCE. AS FAR AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak truth quietly & clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain & bitter; for always there will be greater & lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affectation. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity & disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly to the council of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
Author unknown – found in Old Saint Paul’s Church, Baltimore – dated 1692.
Doctor to patient, “I’m afraid you’re dying.”
Patient, “How long have I got?”
Doctor, “Ten…”
Patient, “Ten what? Ten months, Ten weeks, Ten days…?”
Doctor, “Ten, nine, eight, seven….”
A long-winded speaker was continuing to deliver his dry and lengthy address. He was running long over time. The master of ceremonies tried to get him to stop but couldn’t attract his attention. Finally, in desperation, he picked up the gavel, aimed and fired, but missed the speaker and hit a man in the front row. The man slumped down, then groaned, “Hit me again, I can still hear him.”
Summer: The season when children slam the doors they left open all winter.
Man standing on the street talking into a cell phone, “Perhaps we could meet here. I will be waiting at the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk.”
What’s white, light and sugary and swings from trees? – A meringue-utan.
“Tell the truth and run.” - Yugoslavian Proverb
“I don’t feel good.” - Last words of Luther Burbank
Byrne’s Law: In any electrical circuit, appliances and wiring will burn out to protect fuses.
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it cost them their jobs.” - Samuel Goldwyn
I drink to your health when I’m with you,
I drink to your health when alone;
I drink to your health so often
I’ve just about ruined my own!
Two elderly ladies met in a park. After inquiring about each other’s health, the topic of conversation turned to their husbands.
“Oh,” said one, “Harry died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up some potatoes for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead in the middle of the vegetable garden.”
“Oh, my, said the other. “What did you do?”
“I opened a can of peas instead.”