To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in linoleum blown-apart.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger…. Then it hit me.
“The tickets to the free concert have been sold out.” Radio announcement
“Belgrade is now in darkness as far as the eye can see.” TV newscast
“The mother killed herself and then the child.” ibid.
Ole was stopped by a game warden in northern Minnesota leaving a lake well known for its walleye. He had two buckets full of fish. Since it was during the spawning season, the game warden asked, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
Ole replied, “No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish. Every night I take dese fish here down to da lake and let dem svin around for a while. Den I vhistle and dey yump back into deir buckets and I take dem home.”
“That’s a bunch of hooey,” said the game warden. “Fish can’t do that.”
Ole said, “Vell, den, I’ll just show you.” Ole poured the fish into the lake and stood waiting.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to Ole and said, “Well?”
“Vell what?” responded Ole.
“When are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?” asked Ole.
“The fish!”
“What fish?”
Ole was fishing with Sven in a rented boat. They could not catch a thing. Ole said, “Let’s go furder down stream.” So they did, and they caught many large fish. They had their limit, so they went home. On the way home, Sven said, “I marked da good fishing spot on the right side of da boat, Ole.”
“You stupid,” said Ole. “How do you know ve vill get da same boat next time?”
Lena went to the local newspaper. “I want to put a notice in the paper: ‘Ole died.' "
“That’s terrible,” said the editor. “But don’t you want the full obituary, Lena?”
“No, no,” said Lena, “just a notice: two words: ‘Ole died.’”
“Fine,” said the editor, “but there is a 5-word minimum, so you can say three more words. Is there anything else you might want to say?”
Lena said, “Okay. Make it: ‘Ole died, boat for sale.’”
The police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you are in Seine.
I have to say that, in all the years I known him, no one has ever questioned his intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone even mention it.
Let me put it this way. Shut up!
My uncle had the shortest will ever. It read, “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.”
1970 Bryn Athyn Post January 8
From “Down Under” comes the announcement of the engagement of Kerry Jeanette Clancy, daughter of Mrs. Jean Bamford of Newcastle, N.S.W., Australia to Michael Graeme Lockhart of Bryn Athyn.
Michael’s Navy hitch carried him all over the globe, usually on a Navy aircraft carrier, then in “civies” he took a five-month tour including New Zealand, Australia and Fiji. Mike and Kerry discovered a shipboard romance as she was on her way to work in the Jasper National Park Clinic as a nurse…. [Later they married. Michael is the son of Mr. and Mrs. Raymond Lockhart, and he grew up in BA.]
John Cooper, deputy chief of Essex special police in Colchester, England, has resigned from the force after 40 years’ service. Assistant Commandant of the Essex Special Constabulary since 1966, Mr. Cooper 72, told the Chief Constable, Mr. John Nightingale, that he thought it was time to give way to a younger man.
A well-known Colchester jeweler, Mr. Cooper joined the “specials” in answer to the national appeal in 1926…. He is the son of Fred Cooper, who opened the first Cooper’s jewelry shop in Philadelphia. This shop is operated by his brother, Douglas.
In recognition of the 100th victory of his wrestling teams at the Academy, Coach Ron Nelson was presented with a plaque by a group of co-workers at the wrestling match on Tuesday. The impressive record includes honors in team championships, individual championships, “best wrestler” and “best coach” awards.
The printing press on which Mr. Otho Heilman printed the Bryn Athyn Post, directories, death notices, tickets and what-have-you for so many years, is looking for a home in which it can continue to be useful….
He is one inch good, one foot evil.
Spare me your sparrow’s tears.
Once uttered words run faster than horses.
To retreat is sometimes the best victory.
No lord can rule without sometimes playing deaf and blind.
Don’t judge a tree until you see the fruit.
Beauty is silent, yet it speaks.
Pinch yourself to know how it feels to hurt others.
Thousands of soldiers, yes: but find me one general.
He knows many things but not much of any.
A thousand-mile journey begins with one step.
Yesterday’s blossoms: only a memory today.
Keep fences even between friends.
If you eat only three-quarters full, you won’t need a doctor.
Old people are children twice.
No branch is better than its trunk.
Children are a poor man’s wealth.
“Thoughts flowing from a loving mind are like the growth of a beautiful plant.”
My uncle believed in reincarnation. In his will he left everything to himself.
My wife thinks I am too nosey – at least that is what she keeps writing in her diary.
He talks 100 words a minute, with gusts up to 120.
My son is always ready to give me the benefit of his inexperience.
Ever since I told my secretary that I’m a stickler for punctuation, she hasn’t been late for work once.
One thing I was taught at school is that double negatives are a complete no-no.
In 1878, the Philadelphia-Newtown Railroad ran a line from Philadelphia through the area that was to become Bryn Athyn to Newtown. The railroad developed Alnwick Grove (later Bryn Athyn) as a recreational destination, in the 1880s, to attract visitors, that is, paying riders and thus increase its profits. A picnic area was developed beside the Pennypack Creek, just south of the present day, Bryn Athyn Station. Also there was a dance pavilion on the opposite side of the tracks. New Church people from Philadelphia were among the regular visitors.
In the early days of our community, before 1913, people often picnicked in the Picnic Grove which was located along the Pennypack Creek. It was behind where Cairncrest now stands and along the present-day Quarry Road.
Of this area Raymond Pitcairn wrote, “As girls and boys we had learned to know this woodland and the creek below; we loved the beauty of the sunlight filtering through green leaves that cast their shadows on the trunks of beech trees; we loved the camp fires and corn roasts, the shouting and the songs, and by the water’s edge, the landing where the girls stepped daintily into our light canoes, that slid so silently beneath branches of hornbeam and the other loftier trees that overhang the stream.”
Many picnics, especially on the Forth of July, were held behind De Charms Hall, beneath the famous old cherry tree. This was a beloved spot for social life.
At the Pond, there was a diving board, lifeguards, volleyball court and, I believe, picnic tables. Also I note that in the summer of 1937 an average of 60 children swam in the Pond each day.
Fourth of July picnics have been held on the lawn, among the trees, beside the Assembly Hall (Mitchell Performing Arts Center) and Memorial Day picnics are held in Pine Run Park.
Nineteenth of June picnics have been enjoyed on the lawns around the Cathedral for many decades.
A man must make his fortune, as oft as find it.
Virtue is like a rich stone, best set plain.
Why should I be angry with a man for loving himself better than me?
A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green.
The remedy is worse than the disease.
Studies serve for delight, for ornament, and for ability.
What is truth? said jesting Pilate; and would not stay for an answer.
It is not the lie that passeth through the mind, but the lie that sinketh in, and settleth in it, that doeth the hurt.
If a man be gracious and courteous to strangers, it shows he is a citizen of the world.
I knew a wise man that had it for a by-word, when he saw men hasten to a conclusion, “Stay a little, that we may make an end the sooner.”
Wives are young men’s mistresses, companions for middle age, and old men’s nurses.
Severity breedeth fear, but roughness breedeth hate. Even reproofs from authority ought to be grave, and not taunting.
Knowledge itself is power.
The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship.
For what a man would like to be true, that he more readily believes.
Man seeketh in society comfort, use, and protection.
Clouds keep circling the Earth around and around. There is not much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be a drop, it does.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lighting and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow the people still manage.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So that men can understand them.
“Yeah, Doc, what’s the news?” asked Fred when his doctor called with his test results.
“I have some bad news and some really bad news,” said his doctor. “The bad news is that you have only 24 hours to live.”
Fred gasped, “What could be worse than that?”
“I forgot to call you yesterday.”
TEACHER: I hope I didn’t see you looking at Don’s paper.
GARY: I hope you didn’t either.